When you go out downtown.

Dress code doesn't equal racism. Neither does the fact that you don't have an acceptable ID.

Which means, if you're dressed like a thug, you can't give me the excuse, "but I'm white" and hope to get in.

Yes, those policemen are riding horses. No, you can not pet the horses.

You've obviously had a few. Don't argue with me and tell me I don't know what I'm doing when I check IDs. A drunk guy telling a bouncer how to do his job is like an Asian telling a NASCAR driver how to turn left, or a midget trying to teach Shaq how to dunk.

You can yell and scream and cry and bribe all you want, but if I've already told you that you can't come in, no amount of hysterics will change my mind.

Oh? You've got a driver's license from some random country in Europe that's really nothing more than a laminated business card? Yeah, that totally works...

And no, the cops can't tell me to let you in. So, don't even bother asking. Trust me, they don't want to hear you whine anymore than I do.

If you have a friend, and they get kicked out because they're wasted, go with them. Don't just leave them on the sidewalk while you go inside in another futile effort to get that chick's number. She doesn't even think you're cute.

Ladies, every now and again, its ok to not dress like a stripper when you go out.

Don't sell drugs on the side of my building. Seriously. All that does is force me to get the cops involved to keep you from detracting from my business. At least go across the street to stand in front of my competitors bar.

Dumb people are the reason I have a job

-Ladies, let's set the record straight. Bras were invented to hold your boobs. And that's about it. No bartender wants to be paid in "sweaty boob money". And I don't want to be touching your IDs after you pull them from your sweat stained tank top. Sure, boobs are awesome. But usually, and I say usually because there's always acceptions to every rule, usually, those of you pulling cash, credit cards, IDs, cell phones, and whatever you've got stashed away in there out of your boobs, aren't really the ones guys are excited about when it comes to boobs. Cause the girls that are usually guilty of this are the frumpy ones that think they're cute. Sorry. But the classy chicks usually carry their stuff in a purse or clutch. Cause they actually care about the shape of their girls and don't want them disformed by cash and cards. Heck, you can even dress your boyfriends in cargo shorts and use their extra pockets. That's like a portable purse you don't need to carry right there. Plus, the extra pockets can be utilized for makeup or whatever else girls keep in purses. And if you're in a group and don't have a clutch, usually at least one of you will have a purse. Keep stuff there. Seriously.

-Best piece of advice I can give anyone: poop BEFORE going out. It'll save you a lot of hassle. And herpes.

-Oh, you dropped your ID when handing it to me? That sucks. Cause I'm not picking it up. You get it. I'm not gonna risk getting kicked in the face cause you're clumsy.

-Hitting your girl when 5 cops are watching you isn't smart. Hitting a girl in general is stupid. Does it really make you feel like a big man? Know what won't make you feel very manly? His name is Bubba. He's got a thing for little punks like you and is gonna be your new roommate for the next 5-10 years.

-Are you really gonna sit there and tell me how to do my job? Oh, ok. Well, before you start, let me ask... Have you done this for as long as me? Do you know the laws of what is and isn't a valid ID? Do you spend 20 hours a week doing this? No? Oh. Well, in that case, I really don't want to hear what you have to say.

-Yes, I can deny you entry based on your attitude. I'm the bouncer. I'm allowed to have a pissy demeanor. You aren't. And you'll only really see me pissy if you start first.

-Final note for the day, last call means last call. It also means you can't come in after its been made. So don't cry to me cause you're only 20 and didn't know that rule. That's how bars work.

Update

Haven't had a new entry in a while. My bad team. Here's some new tips for you all at your next visit to the bar

-If you want someone to hit you, stand outside smoking, while obviously pregnant, and brag to everyone about how you're "smoking for 3 since you're carrying twins"

-Nobody wants to see your saggy boobs. Put them away.

-If you're ginger, do the world a favor and maybe wear more clothes. Thanks.

-If you wanna throw your drink at me, at least make sure you've got a bottle, glass, or shot glass. Throwing a plastic cup filled with ice isn't going to hurt me. That's like shooting a bear with a paintball gun. All you're gonna accomplish is pissing me off.

-I'm not stupid. I promise. I didn't give you those X's on your hands, I'd remember if you were in already. Plus, telling me I gave them to you earlier without checking your ID is just dumb. The reason you don't have it on you is because you're 17 and just drew those X's on your own hands to try to sneak in. Go home, you child.

-Punching me in the face with the cops standing 10 feet away, is not the best idea ever.

-Yes, pay attention to me. Get tunnel vision. That way you don't see the other bouncer walking up behind you. Now please, start something.

-If you're at least 29, asking everyone in the line if there's 18 year old girls inside only makes you creepy.

-If you try dancing on a girl, and she moves away, and you try again, and she moves away again, do yourself a favor and take a hint. There's plenty of other girls in the club, there's gotta be at least one without standards you can dance with.

-Classy beats trashy. All. The. Time.

-Don't sucker punch someone with me right behind you. It won't end well.

-If I tell you to get out of your chair to leave cause you're puking on the patio, do it. I promise I'm strong enough to get you out of it, and I also promise that you won't enjoy if I do. And I guarantee, if I've gotta tell you more than twice, I'm going to.

-Guys, belts are a good accessory to have. Cause if I have to carry you outside while you're fighting me to get you outside and your pants fall to your ankles, I'm not gonna stop to pull them up for you. In fact, I'm gonna put you in handcuffs, and make you lay on the sidewalk till the cops get there without giving you the chance to pull them up yourself. Cause you're an idiot. Aaaaand you deserve it.

-No, I'm not interested in you. Sorry. Just not that into dudes.

-It's ok to be respectful of the bar security staff. Actually, if you are, you'll find that the night goes a whole lot better for you.

-Really, I'm a bouncer. Not exactly supposed to be all sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops. Quit whining about me being cranky. Especially at 1:45am. That's when fights start. So I've gotta be focused. Would you rather have a nice bouncer who smiles and gets distracted? Or someone who's focused and actually does his job and keeps you safe?

-Don't name drop to me. And especially don't try to name drop by own name to me. You're an idiot. And obviously have no clue who I am.

-I'm not angry or upset with you. I'm just apathetic.

-If you wanna really, REALLY have fun in the bar, wait till it gets really hot, cover yourself in watermelon seeds, then.run through screaming "WILD TICKS!!! RUN.FOR YOUR LIFE!!!" I won't get mad. I'll be too busy laughing.

April (Drunken) Fools

Yeah, you can see yourself dancing in the reflection in the window, but so can everyone else. And if you have to watch yourself, odds are, nobody else is. And for good reason. You don't look good. Stop.

If the bouncer of the bar you're going to won't let you in, what's the point in fighting with him? Do you really wanna get into a bar you have to fight for when there's literally hundreds of others you can go to?

Racism is discrimination cause of skin color. Not discrimination against people who dress like idiots. Get some clothes that actually fit. You're not being let in cause your shirt is 12 sizes too big. Not because you're black.

Screaming, yelling, crying, pouting, and even logical reasoning will not change my mind. Once I've made a decision, I have to stay with it. And I will.

There's a chance I might mistake a fake ID as a real one, not a good chance, but a chance nonetheless. But I'll never confuse real ID as a fake. So if I take yours, its fake. And you can't have it back. I always offer for people to go ask the cops to get it for them, I'll gladly give any ID I take to a cop. Funny thing is, nobody ever wants to go that route.

Fighting a bouncer is never smart.

If you drink so much you fall asleep in a noisy dance club, right next to the speaker, you probably drink too much.

Cops will take the sober bouncer's word over the drunk kid. Every single time.

If you're gonna bribe me, it better be more than $10.

Leave the shot girls alone. Buy drinks and tip well, but there's no way she's going home with you. Stop trying.

Next time you go out, if there's someone in your group that has a questionable ID, have them go through the line first. Instead of you all getting in and them not being able to at the end.

No, you can't get a refund after being here for 2 hours.

If one bouncer doesn't like you, none of us do.

Yes, ladies, guys are pigs. This shouldn't surprise you. It also shouldn't surprise you that they give you attention when you wear next to nothing.

The best way to get on a bouncer's good side is to simply be polite. Or at least don't be rude.

Lessons of the week

-No, a high school student ID won't work to get in. I don't care if you say you're a senior. That means nothing to me.

-I don't remember you. And I probably won't. Unless you do something unique to stand out, I don't have time to try and remember the faces of the 500 people that frequent my establishment.

-No, I don't know if Johnny Johnson is inside. If he told you he was, he probably is. You can't honestly expect me to remember one random person out of the hundreds I've carded that night.

-Going out and celebrating you're pregnant might seem like a good idea. However, don't celebrate with shots. I mean, seriously.

-You need to tuck your shirt in. Oh those guys behind me don't have their shirts in? Well, are you paying thousands of dollars for bottle service too? No? Then yes, your shirt needs to be tucked in.

-No matter how big your ego is, if you want a piece, but you're staring the bouncer straight in the belly button, just let it go.

-Your side of the story doesn't matter to me. Especially when the other side is coming from a waitress. We listen to them all the time. And take their sides over any customer.

-People acting out is annoying. But worse than the people acting out are the ones pretending to be a bouncer. You lack any and all qualifications to do my job. I'm right there. I don't go to Wendy's and try to run the frosty machine for you, so let me handle the drunks, which, at the moment, also includes you.

Mardi Gras belongs in New Orleans.

-I'm not your mom. Neither is anyone else who works at the bar. You know, unless a lady that works there actually gave birth to you...

-Men's restroom etiquette applies to bouncers. Don't stroll up to the urinal next to one of us and strike up a conversation. Actual conversation from this week:

"Hey, do you want me to bring my ID every week?"
"Right now all I want you to do is keep your eyes forward and stop talking."

-And yes, you need your ID every week.

-I don't care that you say its your birthday, no ID, no entry.

-Surprisingly, Facebook is NOT a valid form of ID. Who would have guessed?

-Don't go drinking with your mom on your 21st.

-And mom, if your adult daughter willingly leaves the bar with a guy, there's not really a reason to call the cops.

-It's not always a good idea to lie about the bouncer you supposedly punched out, to the bouncer you supposedly punched out. I remember you, can't you remember me? I mean, you were staring at me from the pavement...

-If a girl has a boyfriend, leave her alone. Especially if her boyfriend is a bouncer who is literally twice your size.

-Guys, it is not ok to flash your chest for beads. Just don't do it.

Bouncers are like the sheriffs of their bars.

-Do you like the song playing? Great! So do about a million other people. It's not your song. You didn't write it, record or produce it, and its not actually about you. So shut up and just enjoy it.

-The most unattractive thing a girl can do is scream "wooooooo".

-Hey! Your friend is here. Get excited! But don't go overboard. I mean, you're meeting at a noisy bar. Odds are you haven't gone too long without seeing each other. And if you haven't, why go to a place where you can't hear each other? There's no reason to scream, yell, jump up and down, or even cry (yes, I saw tears this weekend) when your friend arrives.

-OK, I'm a bouncer. Sometimes its my job to be a little stern. Deal with it. Quit telling me to smile and be nice all the time. Sometimes you just can't be a nice bouncer. And you know what makes me smile? When drunk people stop telling me how to do my job.

-If you're in a bar, and you feel like you want to get rough with a bouncer, don't. People don't understand how much we actually work with the police.

-Speaking of the 5-0, I can kinda understand why you might think throwing down with me is ok, but don't swing at a cop. That's just stupid.

-If you want to be a bouncer, don't brag to me about how well you can fight. I don't care. When it comes to a new bouncer, I care about how well you can not fight.

-Guys, every now and again, its ok to actually try to hit the urinal you're aiming at when you pee.

-Ladies, there is a garbage can in the bathroom. It is there for paper towels. So you can stop using the floor any time now.

-I was raised never to hit a girl. And I never will. However, it is an unfortunate side to my job that sometimes I have to "assist" a girl leaving. Don't yell at me when I do, especially when you're not involved in the situation at all and are just watching events unfold. I already feel weird enough about having to carry her outside while she's kicking, screaming, and biting.

-Yes, it is winter. Which means its cold. No, you can't come back inside and wait for your taxi after you've been kicked out.

-If I say you can't get in, you can't. So if I tell you my manager said not to let you in, don't whine about it and demand to speak with him to find out if that's actually what he said or not. It doesn't matter. I can use any excuse I want to not let you in. I can deny entrance if I don't like the color of your shoes. Argue all you want. It's not gonna work.

-Now, if I don't let you in, and you claim to be friends with my boss, great. Then get out your fancy smart phone, and text him. If he comes and let's you in, great. He over-rules me. But if you say you're his "close friend", yet you don't have his cell phone number, that makes you a liar, huh?

-Girls, if a guy is creeping on you, and you feel really uncomfortable, then move. Quit standing right next to him. Leave that spot. Go to the bathroom, or tell a bouncer. There's no reason you need to feel awkward at the bar. Trust me, we would rather have you there than some creepy guy. If its a problem, he will be kicked out, and you'll get to continue partying.

-Any DJ reading this, please, for the love of God, stop playing Cupid Shuffle.

-Ladies, if you just recently got engaged, don't worry about your fiancee having a bachelor party at a bar. Here's what's gonna happen, he and his buddies are gonna sit at the bar, drink beer, and play some darts. That's about it. People always assume there's strippers at bachelor parties. There's not. And odds are, if there ever is, all the guys end up sitting around in an awkward clump of biomass, while they sheepishly avoid eye contact with the dancer.

-Guys on the other hand, never ask what happens at a bachelorette party. You don't want to know. Usually one assumes that the male gender is more sexual. They're not. 9/10 times, a bachelor party goes exactly as described above. A bachelorette party, though, has girls running around with penises everywhere. Penis shot glasses. Penis stickers. Penis shaped candy, beads, even jewelry. There is so much raw sexuality at a bachelorette party, its scary.

-Congratulations! You're 21! Great. I'm still gonna kick you out on your birthday when you get extra sloppy.

-Don't try and convince me that you're not drunk. It doesn't take 5 years of experience to see you're schwasted.

-Unless you're referring to the purple Gatorade or a wild tiger in the jungle, it is almost never socially acceptable for a heterosexual male to use the word "fierce".

That's about it for this entry. Try to apply at least a few things you've learned next time you go out. It makes my job way easier. Thanks.