This week the trend...

-If its college night, you still need your driver's license to get into a bar. Don't show up with only your school ID thinking that's all you'll need. The simple act of being in college doesn't mean you can drink. I realize that often times that's what happens, but stick to the dorm rooms like every other freshmen in the country.

-Why yes, I can tell that you reek of weed. And I will stare you down and make you paranoid about it because, A, that's funny. And B, you're an idiot.

-I really don't care about your side of the story. There was a fight. I'm kicking you out. If you really want to freak out and complain, complain to the cops. They'll be there shortly. And no, you can't come back in.

-The biggest reason I don't want people fighting in my bar? It's not because I don't want to get involved. Not because I'm scared. Not even because I want it to be a safe environment for everyone else. I hate doing paperwork. You wanna fight, sweet. Go across the street where it doesn't matter to me. If you start stuff on the bar property, I have to file a police report. And I don't like doing that.

-Are you upset about a decision I made? Yeah, there is someone you can talk to that you can complain to. Me. And I'm fairly 100% certain that there's nothing you can say that will change my mind. If you don't have good ID, or meet dress code, or any other reason I choose to not let you in, you're not getting in. Complaining to my manager won't help you. There's a reason he's put me at the door. He trusts my judgement. Plus, he's gonna back me up and tell you its my call.

-Bringing me chicken nuggets from McDonald's is a great way to get on my good side. But don't assume you'll get my number if you do. Especially if you're a dude.

-The right thing to do when you get your fake ID taken away is to politely ask for it back, I'll say no, but you may ask anyway. Then thank me for not calling the cops. If you argue or cause a scene, it'll just end up badly for you. Also, offering to buy it back from me is always the wrong answer.

-Buying a shot girl a rose is nice. But you have a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than getting her number in exchange for a wilting flower you got from a vendor.

-If I've gotta get somewhere fast and I kinda push you out of the way a little, don't shove me back. That's just dumb. I'm not gonna blast you out of the way, just move you enough for me to get by. You shove me and my attention goes right to you. You don't want that.

-Don't swing at another bouncer when I'm 2 feet away. I'll get to you before you get to him.

You think you got the right stuff?

I get a lot of guys who come up and ask me what it takes to be a bouncer. Well, let me tell you...

When I first started working as a bouncer, it was explained to me as this: "You basically can't be a deadbeat, and at least look like you can handle yourself."

That's about it.

Good work ethic, and at least the appearance of being tough. There's a high turn around for bouncers though. Mainly because guys think its gonna be cool, and I can't lie, it is. It's a really fun job. However, guys start thinking its all gonna be looking cool and picking up chicks (and that is a part of it), but then they discover its actually a real job and you've gotta actually do work. 90% of all bouncers are basically glorified janitors. You stand in the corner, watch the crowd, and pick up any used, empty cups people leave around, and you also get the glamorous job of moping up any spills and or various bodily fluids that might protrude from intoxicated patrons. I'm talking about vomit here folks. Doesn't happen a lot, but it does happen. If a fight breaks out literally right in front of you, you can step in. But otherwise, you just keep things tidy. Also, at the end of the night, you get to help clean the bar! Neat, huh? This usually entails garbage duty. That's right, you carry out all the trash cans, dump them in the dumpster and try your best not to get all the excess alcohol in the bottom of each can all over your shoes. At a lot of places, you'll be responsible to carry kegs for the bartenders. Especially if the bartenders are chicks, or pretentious dudes who are worried about their hair all the time. So, about 98% of all bars will put you on keg duty. You also get to sweep, and many times mop, the floors. As well as move tables, chairs, and beer tubs. Then you get to clean all those things too. Bar closes at 2, everyone has to be out by 215. You usually don't leave till at least 3. Depending on how fast you clean. Oh, did I mention you also take care of the bathrooms? Cause you do. And while the female gender is a beautiful, graceful, and all around sexy, sexy gender, girls are disgusting. Especially when they know they don't have to clean the bathroom they're using. It's like all bets are off. And when you add alcohol to the mix? Let me tell you, its not pretty. I've seen things. Horrible things that would make your skin crawl. I've been going to school for biology for years now, I was even premed for a while, so the human body, and the stuff that comes out of it, usually doesn't bother me, but there have been some things, things that I wish I could unsee that I never can...

Not trying to deter anyone from becoming a bouncer. Just trying to be up front and clear about the responsiblities that you'll have to take care of. The guys you see out front checking IDs, or the guys you see floating around inside, who actually take care of kicking people out, have usually put in a lot of time before they do those things. Because, managers know that there's a high turn around, and want their guys to prove they're good workers before giving them extra responsiblity and liability. I used to work at one of the biggest clubs in downtown Minneapolis, and my security manager there told me the average time a guy works for him is about 3 weeks before quitting. So he makes his new guys work for about 6 months before they get to start doing the really cool stuff. That's not the case for every bar, but most do start you out at the bottom and you've gotta work your way up by proving yourself.

You might never get to be the guy at the door. Though, the best way to get to do that job is to be big. Not all bouncers are large dudes. Most are fairly average. But usually, the guys at the door are bigger. Managers do this mainly because if someone is outside, looking at the bar, and they see a huge guy at the door, they're gonna assume there's big guys inside too and that its a safer place to go. It's all marketing really. Now, this isn't an absolute, I had a guy at one place working for me who checked IDs at the door who was 5'8" and a good 150lbs. So, if you're not huge, don't assume you can't do it. The biggest thing about working the door is not your size, but competence. It's the hardest job at a bar. Because you are the main line of defense against underage drinking. And in a lot of places, the only line. Bartenders are too busy to check everyone's ID before they serve them. They assume that you've checked them, and that's why they're inside. So they don't worry about it. They rely on you. It's a huge responsiblity. And a lot of liability. IDK about everywhere else in the country, but in Minneapolis, if the police send a complience check to your bar, aka a minor with a fake ID, and you miss it, you get a $600 fine, and can be arrested. Also, the bar has to redo its training for ID checking and if it happens multiple times, can lose their liquor license. So, there's a good chance you'll also lose your job because you've shown that you're not capable of doing your job. So, its a big deal to work the door.

Sometimes, things do get rough. So you've gotta be prepared for that. Also, one of the biggest things you need, personality wise, is patience and a slow temper. You're going to have guys, and girls, push you. You gotta be able to keep your cool. You will also be called every horrible name you can imagine. You need thick skin to ignore it. You can't be getting into fights over being insulted, or even physically provoked. A guy who can't control his temper in a bar is a liability and needs to be gotten rid of. Yes, there are times when you need to take care of business. And quite honestly, when you do, it can be fun. Adrenaline gets going and you look awesome for the crowd watching you. Unless you just get destroyed. Then you look like a punk. But you need to remember, there's a crowd watching you. Which means there's witnesses. And most of them have cell phones with cameras. Not to mention bar security cameras. The cops are gonna show up, and you'll need to make a police report and give an account for your actions. So, you need to be able to handle yourself and control a situation, without going overboard. You can only use as much force as necessary to stop things from happening. After that, you're becoming the aggressor and that means you can get in a lot of trouble yourself.

So, keep those things in mind. I do encourage anyone thinking about becoming a bouncer to try it. It really is fun. You get prestige, attention, and you're basically getting paid to party and be at the bar. Just know that most places won't let you drink while on the clock. And yeah girls will dance up on you, but you can't let yourself get too distracted. Also, if you have a girlfriend, prepare to have to cater to her insecurities a little more because of your job. Other than that, its fun. I love doing it. Sure I don't wanna be doing it when I'm 38, but I'm 25 right now, and its a blast.

Free Advice

-If a bouncer asks you for ID, give it to him.

-Unless you've also been working as a bouncer, checking IDs for 5 years like I have, don't tell me how to do my job and don't tell me I don't know the laws about checking ID.

-Yes, I have handcuffs. And no, you may not borrow them.

-Every once in a while its ok to not be a complete idiot when you go out.

-A bouncer is allowed to legally retain your ID for 12 hours. If you lose it, and want it back, find a cop and ask them to get it for you. I'll be more than happy to give a cop any ID I take.

-If you get kicked out, don't come back in. No matter how cold it is. That's a consequence of your own actions.

-If you're a bouncer yourself and you're reading this, these 3 words will help you immensely at work: "not my problem." People generally tend to get the hint.

-Yes, I can be a jerk. And I'm ok with it.

-A general warning to everyone, I don't care if you're standing up for your friend, or just trying to talk me down from a stressful situation. Unless you're an incredibly attractive female, do not touch me. Odds are, it won't end well for you.

-I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Just because you know my bosses name does not make you important. If you were, I would know your name.

-Speaking of bosses, unless you're like a blood relative of the owner, he's gonna back my play. And that's not just for me at my bar. That goes for pretty much every bar. Any good boss will back up his (or her, don't worry ladies, I'm down with equality) doorman.

-Ladies, just so you know, a drunk chick might get more attention, but a sober one is infinitely more attractive.

-Stop trying to look gangsta. The ghetto look is stupid. I don't care if you're from Harlem. If you dress like a thug, you're an idiot.

-Yeah, the girls serving shots and working the beer tubs are pretty. But that does not mean you get to grab at them.

-If you're 65 and hammered, I'm not letting you in.

-It's ok to give a bouncer free money. Really, I won't complain. But don't think you can bribe me. You can't pay me enough to justify risking losing my job and getting arrested.

-There's cameras. If you do something stupid, not only will you get busted, there will be evidence.

-If you're always going out and are constantly pulling your ID out, its not a bad idea to put a little tab of scotch tape on it so you can pull it out faster. This works especially well for ladies.

-Have your ID ready to go. Don't stand in line for 5 minutes waiting to get to the door, then spend 5 more minutes digging around in your purse complaining about the temperature.

-Best way to get on any bouncer's good side, offer them some gum.

-Nobody likes a guy who cries at a bar.

-Don't fart near me. It's just rude. I can't leave the door, so I've gotta stand through it.

-Being even remotely polite will get you a lot further than you realize.

-Final thoughts for the night, dress up to go out. Don't come looking like a bum. Sweatpants are never a good choice. Yoga pants, absolutely, sweats, not so much. At least not at a club.

Stupidity at its Finest

-Ladies, quit lying about your weight on your IDs, and guys, quit lying about your height. Those things matter.

-If you hit me, you're going to jail. Nuff said.

-If I tell you that you need to move, or else I will move you for you, I'm not kidding. Either way, you will not stay in that spot. Alas, it seems every week there's always gotta be at least one 160 pound guy who thinks he's immobile and that I'm just kidding. He isn't, and I'm not.

-Coat check is 2 bucks. Leaving your coat in your car is free. And no, you can not put 3 coats on one hanger. Don't cry for my manager just because you don't want to shell out 200 whole pennies for us to watch your coat.

-There's no point in showing up early enough for 241s if you're just going to carry around both bottles all night, never taking a sip from either.

-If you're actually close friends with someone who works at the bar, its ok to take advantage of that every now and again. And feel free to go say hello if they're not busy at the moment. But this only applies to close friends. Just because you caught someone's name, doesn't mean you get to drop it when you're mad about having to tuck your shirt in.

-IDK what other bars you go to that let you in without ID, but its not any one I've ever worked at. And I've worked at more than a few over the past 5 years. So, its a safe bet that you'll need it. Don't show up and play the "I don't have my ID, I didn't know I'd need it" card. It's not my problem you're an idiot. You're not getting in.

-And while we're on the subject, have your ID ready to go when you get there. Don't wait in line, then dig through your purse for 5 minutes looking for your ID when you finally get to the person checking them.

-Those little yellow papers you get when your license gets clipped? Yeah. You need those. They're important.

-If you can't get in because you don't have proper ID, don't try coming through the line again with your buddy's license. All that's gonna happen is you're gonna get your friend pissed at you when I keep it and don't give it back.

-Proper ID consists of: US State ID, military ID, or passport. That's it. I don't care if you have a drivers license from Swaziland. It's not gonna work with me.

-Last one for this week... Guys, put your collar down. And don't ever pop it again. You look like a douche.

Stupid people annoy me.

Last night at work, there were more than a few things that annoyed me. Here's the big ones. They're worth listening to.

-I'm the boss of you. As is every bouncer. You can argue. But you won't win.

-I don't care if you know my bosses name. You can drop it all you want. It won't change things. If you were actually that important, I would know who you are too.

-If you've got a fake ID, don't tell me you're 20. Stick to your story.

-While we're on the subject. Don't try to make a fake MN or NY state ID. They are impossible to forge. Don't try.

-If you don't get in because of dress code, it's actually because of the dress code. Quit calling me racist.

-Guys, pulling up your shirt on the dance floor only works when you're actually built. If you've got a beer gut, don't even try.

-Ladies, Halloween comes but once a year. The naughty school girl costume is nice. On Halloween. Otherwise, you just look like a slut. I mean, you do on Halloween too, but that's different. It's expected. Halloween is basically men's payment from you ladies for Valentine's Day.

-When the lights come on at 2:15, it's time to go home. Not stand around in a big clump of humanity looking stupid.

-If you get kicked out, or if you've tried getting in once and didn't, don't try coming back in. It's just going to end badly for you.

-Don't be dumb. Take a taxi home. It also helps if you call ahead of time. If you want a cab at 2 to be waiting for you, call around 1.

-Don't try to sneak your drinks outside. If you do, and I catch you (which I probably will), I'm just going to throw it away without you being able to finish it. So, why risk it?

-I don't care who threw the first punch. Nobody does. You're both going to be kicked out. So quit whining. Just because you didn't see the other guy taken out the back door, doesn't mean he's not gone too. We just don't want to deal with you fighting more as soon as you get outside.

There's that. More to come next week. There seems to never be a lack of stupidity when alcohol is involved.

Common Sense Seems to be Rather Uncommon

These things annoy me. And they're so avoidable!

-Guys, stay off the stripper pole. Seriously. Nobody thinks you're sexy.

-Girls, doesn't matter how hot you look if you don't use deodorant.

-If you say you're not a smoker, yet you're constantly dragging on cigarette, you're a smoker.

-To the awkward white guy in the corner just staring at the girls dancing, stop. You're creeping everyone out.

-To the girl sitting alone at the bar in tears, a dance club is not the kind of bar you go to to drown your sorrows.

-If your group gets kicked out cause of one drunk person in it, get smarter friends.

-If you're over 40, maybe think about finding a new bar...

-If the music is too loud, don't move right next to the speakers

-There is no reason to EVER wear a McNabb Vikings jersey. I'm not even a Vikings fan and I know that.

NYE Part 2

Fellas, this one's for you. Don't worry. I got your backs. You can enjoy some of this free information as well. So, while you're all shamelessly trying to get into that girl's pants you just met, remember these lessons. They might come in handy.

-First off, take your sunglasses off. You look like an idiot. Unless you're blind, there's no reason to wear sunglasses inside. Especially in a dark bar. At night. You look stupid. The sunglasses-on-the-top-of-your-head look works, sometimes. But only when you're first coming in from outside, or when you might actually wear them once leaving. But it gets dark at 4:30 now. There's no reason to go to a bar at 11 and still be wearing your Foakleys. Just stop.

-If you don't want people to make fun of you for being girly, then man up and order a beer. And I don't mean that chilled, carbonated monkey urine that comes in the form of a Coors Light bottle. I mean a real beer. Sam Adams, Fat Tire, Linnies, Guinness, or something like that. Do NOT continue to sip on that bright, neon blue cocktail from a bendy straw. Or, maybe, do. If you like ridicule that is.

-Next tip (and this is a big one), don't think you can take a bouncer. Especially after drinking all night. Cause you can't. For one, bouncers are tough. That's why we do what we do. Secondly, you're drunk, he's sober. His reflexes will be a lot quicker than yours. Finally, even if you are able to take out the one bouncer you feel has wronged you in some way, or that you feel you need to prove your manhood by fighting cause everyone was making fun of you for your pink daiquiri, you won't be able to take out the 4 other bouncers that will be on you in a matter of seconds. Plus there's bar backs, and even bartenders that will get in on it if they need to. And cops are NEVER far away from a crowded bar. If you try to fight a bouncer, you will lose. And if you piss him off enough, he will keep you there till the cops show up, and you will get arrested. So just have fun for the night and don't start something you can't finish.

-If you're talking to a girl, keep it simple. She's there to dance and have fun. Not hear about that one time, you did that one thing, with that one group of people. If she wants to talk, let her talk about herself. Just not your head and pretend to listen. I say pretend only because you won't hear her over the music anyway. Plus, she's going to repeat all the important stuff if you ever hang out after, cause she's probably not going to remember all she said anyway.

-If you see a girl you think is cute, yet she's traveling with a pack of other girls, and no dudes, just move on. She's more than likely there cause one of the girls in the pack is hating on boys cause of a breakup. Which means, they're all there to hate boys that night, dance with each other, and just have fun. Your chances of success are very low.

-If you're actually lucky enough to be there with a girl, make sure you give her all your attention. There's gonna be a lot of other pretty girls there. And if she catches you checking one of them out, game over. The rest of the night you'll either have to deal with an angry girl asking: "if she's so hot, why not go be with her?" Or a sad girl asking: "what does she have that I don't?" Just do yourself a favor and make her feel like she's the only girl there. Trust me. You'll be glad you did.

-Treat her with respect too. Cause there's tons of guys out there that will if you don't. And eventually, she's gonna figure that out.

That's about it. Hopefully these help make your next night out at a club or a bar better than your last.

NYE

Ladies, there were several things I noticed while working NYE. They're things that I don't think you, as drunken girls worried about dancing and shots, actually noticed. So I decided to write a few down here so that you'll understand a little better what actually goes on and be a little better prepared for next year.

-If you're worried about getting roofied (as almost half of the girls who found out they couldn't take drinks into the bathroom claimed to be), don't ask some totally random stranger you just met, but feel like you bonded with because you both just finished dancing to that one song that was playing not too long ago, to watch your drink while you're away! If you can't take your drink into the bathroom (which is done to prevent the 18+ kids at the party from drinking in there). Finish it before going in (cause let's be honest, there's a half hour wait anyway). Or an even crazier thought, since you all travel in packs to go relieve yourselves, find the one girl who doesn't actually have to go, and is just going in for mindless girl talk. Have her stay outside and watch the drinks. If she feels unincluded about the meaningless chit chat going on while the rest of you are breaking the seal, just text her while she waits. Or better yet, nurture her own independence. That way, she builds confidence, and none of you get any extra special ingredients in your vodka infused trash you call a drink.

-Let's get something straight. It is winter. We live in Minnesota. There's snow both on the ground, and falling from the sky. So of COURSE you're going to be cold in a super thin dress that barely covers your lady parts. Now, I'm not saying that its a horrible look on some. But if you're going to wear that, you have to have realized at some point while putting it on that its cold outside. AND YOU STILL CHOOSE TO WEAR IT!!! So I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy whatsoever. Jesus invented jackets, and Lady Gaga invented leggings. 2 accessories right there that would take any outfit and make it warmer without actually ruining the look. Just saying.

-While we're on the subject of outfits girls, don't hate me for what I'm about to say...

-There's nothing wrong with a bigger girl. At all. Tons of guys love them, and they deserve love just like everyone else. Coming from me, as a big guy myself, I understand, at least a little. However, what I do not understand is why, when you could find an outfit thousands of times more flattering that would actually make you look good, why do some of you bigger girls wear dresses that are clearly 4-5 times too small for you? It's almost like you don't want guys talking to you. I'm sorry. But the chances of you getting that guys attention go way up if you're dressed for success rather than in a latex dress so tight Paris Hilton would have breathing problems wearing. You all know what I'm talking about.

-If you're trying to dance up on a bouncer while he's doing his job, stop. And also don't get offended if he doesn't dance back. He's got a job to do. So don't freak out and assume he's a jerk or that he hates you or something like that. If you want to talk to him, then get his number and talk to him after-hours.

-Please, don't expect any servers, shot girls, bartenders, barbacks, bouncers, or the DJ to come to your place for an after party. Not only have we just been taking care of you all night and don't want to have to continue to do so there, a lot of us just want to go to bed. Most people who work at a bar, do it as a 2nd job so we need to get home and sleep for our grown up jobs the next day. Plus, we have to stay an extra hour or so to clean up after all of you trashed the place and left. By the time 3:30 rolls around, no after party is still happening anymore anyay. So, ask if you want, but don't get upset when we don't show up.

-Final thoughts of the night: if the guy you're with is a douche. Like a blatantly obvious, jersey-shore-wanna-be, has-a-pinky-ring, or a wears-a-nickelback-t-shirt-to-a-bar, douche, don't expect to be treated with the respect you want and deserve. It just won't happen. A douchey guy is incapable of caring about anything other than himself and what he thinks is cool. Like: spray tans, driving big pickup trucks in the city, and laughing at people who are different. He says he might care about you. But odds are, to him, you're an accessory. Another thing to make him look cool. Do yourself a favor and find a guy who actually cares about you, not one that just says he does but then scopes out all the other talent in the room when you go on your half hour potty break.

That's all for now. I'll post about dudes tomorrow.