Dumb people are the reason I have a job

-Ladies, let's set the record straight. Bras were invented to hold your boobs. And that's about it. No bartender wants to be paid in "sweaty boob money". And I don't want to be touching your IDs after you pull them from your sweat stained tank top. Sure, boobs are awesome. But usually, and I say usually because there's always acceptions to every rule, usually, those of you pulling cash, credit cards, IDs, cell phones, and whatever you've got stashed away in there out of your boobs, aren't really the ones guys are excited about when it comes to boobs. Cause the girls that are usually guilty of this are the frumpy ones that think they're cute. Sorry. But the classy chicks usually carry their stuff in a purse or clutch. Cause they actually care about the shape of their girls and don't want them disformed by cash and cards. Heck, you can even dress your boyfriends in cargo shorts and use their extra pockets. That's like a portable purse you don't need to carry right there. Plus, the extra pockets can be utilized for makeup or whatever else girls keep in purses. And if you're in a group and don't have a clutch, usually at least one of you will have a purse. Keep stuff there. Seriously.

-Best piece of advice I can give anyone: poop BEFORE going out. It'll save you a lot of hassle. And herpes.

-Oh, you dropped your ID when handing it to me? That sucks. Cause I'm not picking it up. You get it. I'm not gonna risk getting kicked in the face cause you're clumsy.

-Hitting your girl when 5 cops are watching you isn't smart. Hitting a girl in general is stupid. Does it really make you feel like a big man? Know what won't make you feel very manly? His name is Bubba. He's got a thing for little punks like you and is gonna be your new roommate for the next 5-10 years.

-Are you really gonna sit there and tell me how to do my job? Oh, ok. Well, before you start, let me ask... Have you done this for as long as me? Do you know the laws of what is and isn't a valid ID? Do you spend 20 hours a week doing this? No? Oh. Well, in that case, I really don't want to hear what you have to say.

-Yes, I can deny you entry based on your attitude. I'm the bouncer. I'm allowed to have a pissy demeanor. You aren't. And you'll only really see me pissy if you start first.

-Final note for the day, last call means last call. It also means you can't come in after its been made. So don't cry to me cause you're only 20 and didn't know that rule. That's how bars work.

Update

Haven't had a new entry in a while. My bad team. Here's some new tips for you all at your next visit to the bar

-If you want someone to hit you, stand outside smoking, while obviously pregnant, and brag to everyone about how you're "smoking for 3 since you're carrying twins"

-Nobody wants to see your saggy boobs. Put them away.

-If you're ginger, do the world a favor and maybe wear more clothes. Thanks.

-If you wanna throw your drink at me, at least make sure you've got a bottle, glass, or shot glass. Throwing a plastic cup filled with ice isn't going to hurt me. That's like shooting a bear with a paintball gun. All you're gonna accomplish is pissing me off.

-I'm not stupid. I promise. I didn't give you those X's on your hands, I'd remember if you were in already. Plus, telling me I gave them to you earlier without checking your ID is just dumb. The reason you don't have it on you is because you're 17 and just drew those X's on your own hands to try to sneak in. Go home, you child.

-Punching me in the face with the cops standing 10 feet away, is not the best idea ever.

-Yes, pay attention to me. Get tunnel vision. That way you don't see the other bouncer walking up behind you. Now please, start something.

-If you're at least 29, asking everyone in the line if there's 18 year old girls inside only makes you creepy.

-If you try dancing on a girl, and she moves away, and you try again, and she moves away again, do yourself a favor and take a hint. There's plenty of other girls in the club, there's gotta be at least one without standards you can dance with.

-Classy beats trashy. All. The. Time.

-Don't sucker punch someone with me right behind you. It won't end well.

-If I tell you to get out of your chair to leave cause you're puking on the patio, do it. I promise I'm strong enough to get you out of it, and I also promise that you won't enjoy if I do. And I guarantee, if I've gotta tell you more than twice, I'm going to.

-Guys, belts are a good accessory to have. Cause if I have to carry you outside while you're fighting me to get you outside and your pants fall to your ankles, I'm not gonna stop to pull them up for you. In fact, I'm gonna put you in handcuffs, and make you lay on the sidewalk till the cops get there without giving you the chance to pull them up yourself. Cause you're an idiot. Aaaaand you deserve it.

-No, I'm not interested in you. Sorry. Just not that into dudes.

-It's ok to be respectful of the bar security staff. Actually, if you are, you'll find that the night goes a whole lot better for you.

-Really, I'm a bouncer. Not exactly supposed to be all sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops. Quit whining about me being cranky. Especially at 1:45am. That's when fights start. So I've gotta be focused. Would you rather have a nice bouncer who smiles and gets distracted? Or someone who's focused and actually does his job and keeps you safe?

-Don't name drop to me. And especially don't try to name drop by own name to me. You're an idiot. And obviously have no clue who I am.

-I'm not angry or upset with you. I'm just apathetic.

-If you wanna really, REALLY have fun in the bar, wait till it gets really hot, cover yourself in watermelon seeds, then.run through screaming "WILD TICKS!!! RUN.FOR YOUR LIFE!!!" I won't get mad. I'll be too busy laughing.