Update

Haven't had a new entry in a while. My bad team. Here's some new tips for you all at your next visit to the bar

-If you want someone to hit you, stand outside smoking, while obviously pregnant, and brag to everyone about how you're "smoking for 3 since you're carrying twins"

-Nobody wants to see your saggy boobs. Put them away.

-If you're ginger, do the world a favor and maybe wear more clothes. Thanks.

-If you wanna throw your drink at me, at least make sure you've got a bottle, glass, or shot glass. Throwing a plastic cup filled with ice isn't going to hurt me. That's like shooting a bear with a paintball gun. All you're gonna accomplish is pissing me off.

-I'm not stupid. I promise. I didn't give you those X's on your hands, I'd remember if you were in already. Plus, telling me I gave them to you earlier without checking your ID is just dumb. The reason you don't have it on you is because you're 17 and just drew those X's on your own hands to try to sneak in. Go home, you child.

-Punching me in the face with the cops standing 10 feet away, is not the best idea ever.

-Yes, pay attention to me. Get tunnel vision. That way you don't see the other bouncer walking up behind you. Now please, start something.

-If you're at least 29, asking everyone in the line if there's 18 year old girls inside only makes you creepy.

-If you try dancing on a girl, and she moves away, and you try again, and she moves away again, do yourself a favor and take a hint. There's plenty of other girls in the club, there's gotta be at least one without standards you can dance with.

-Classy beats trashy. All. The. Time.

-Don't sucker punch someone with me right behind you. It won't end well.

-If I tell you to get out of your chair to leave cause you're puking on the patio, do it. I promise I'm strong enough to get you out of it, and I also promise that you won't enjoy if I do. And I guarantee, if I've gotta tell you more than twice, I'm going to.

-Guys, belts are a good accessory to have. Cause if I have to carry you outside while you're fighting me to get you outside and your pants fall to your ankles, I'm not gonna stop to pull them up for you. In fact, I'm gonna put you in handcuffs, and make you lay on the sidewalk till the cops get there without giving you the chance to pull them up yourself. Cause you're an idiot. Aaaaand you deserve it.

-No, I'm not interested in you. Sorry. Just not that into dudes.

-It's ok to be respectful of the bar security staff. Actually, if you are, you'll find that the night goes a whole lot better for you.

-Really, I'm a bouncer. Not exactly supposed to be all sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops. Quit whining about me being cranky. Especially at 1:45am. That's when fights start. So I've gotta be focused. Would you rather have a nice bouncer who smiles and gets distracted? Or someone who's focused and actually does his job and keeps you safe?

-Don't name drop to me. And especially don't try to name drop by own name to me. You're an idiot. And obviously have no clue who I am.

-I'm not angry or upset with you. I'm just apathetic.

-If you wanna really, REALLY have fun in the bar, wait till it gets really hot, cover yourself in watermelon seeds, then.run through screaming "WILD TICKS!!! RUN.FOR YOUR LIFE!!!" I won't get mad. I'll be too busy laughing.