-Ladies, let's set the record straight. Bras were invented to hold your boobs. And that's about it. No bartender wants to be paid in "sweaty boob money". And I don't want to be touching your IDs after you pull them from your sweat stained tank top. Sure, boobs are awesome. But usually, and I say usually because there's always acceptions to every rule, usually, those of you pulling cash, credit cards, IDs, cell phones, and whatever you've got stashed away in there out of your boobs, aren't really the ones guys are excited about when it comes to boobs. Cause the girls that are usually guilty of this are the frumpy ones that think they're cute. Sorry. But the classy chicks usually carry their stuff in a purse or clutch. Cause they actually care about the shape of their girls and don't want them disformed by cash and cards. Heck, you can even dress your boyfriends in cargo shorts and use their extra pockets. That's like a portable purse you don't need to carry right there. Plus, the extra pockets can be utilized for makeup or whatever else girls keep in purses. And if you're in a group and don't have a clutch, usually at least one of you will have a purse. Keep stuff there. Seriously.
-Best piece of advice I can give anyone: poop BEFORE going out. It'll save you a lot of hassle. And herpes.
-Oh, you dropped your ID when handing it to me? That sucks. Cause I'm not picking it up. You get it. I'm not gonna risk getting kicked in the face cause you're clumsy.
-Hitting your girl when 5 cops are watching you isn't smart. Hitting a girl in general is stupid. Does it really make you feel like a big man? Know what won't make you feel very manly? His name is Bubba. He's got a thing for little punks like you and is gonna be your new roommate for the next 5-10 years.
-Are you really gonna sit there and tell me how to do my job? Oh, ok. Well, before you start, let me ask... Have you done this for as long as me? Do you know the laws of what is and isn't a valid ID? Do you spend 20 hours a week doing this? No? Oh. Well, in that case, I really don't want to hear what you have to say.
-Yes, I can deny you entry based on your attitude. I'm the bouncer. I'm allowed to have a pissy demeanor. You aren't. And you'll only really see me pissy if you start first.
-Final note for the day, last call means last call. It also means you can't come in after its been made. So don't cry to me cause you're only 20 and didn't know that rule. That's how bars work.
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