-Do you like the song playing? Great! So do about a million other people. It's not your song. You didn't write it, record or produce it, and its not actually about you. So shut up and just enjoy it.
-The most unattractive thing a girl can do is scream "wooooooo".
-Hey! Your friend is here. Get excited! But don't go overboard. I mean, you're meeting at a noisy bar. Odds are you haven't gone too long without seeing each other. And if you haven't, why go to a place where you can't hear each other? There's no reason to scream, yell, jump up and down, or even cry (yes, I saw tears this weekend) when your friend arrives.
-OK, I'm a bouncer. Sometimes its my job to be a little stern. Deal with it. Quit telling me to smile and be nice all the time. Sometimes you just can't be a nice bouncer. And you know what makes me smile? When drunk people stop telling me how to do my job.
-If you're in a bar, and you feel like you want to get rough with a bouncer, don't. People don't understand how much we actually work with the police.
-Speaking of the 5-0, I can kinda understand why you might think throwing down with me is ok, but don't swing at a cop. That's just stupid.
-If you want to be a bouncer, don't brag to me about how well you can fight. I don't care. When it comes to a new bouncer, I care about how well you can not fight.
-Guys, every now and again, its ok to actually try to hit the urinal you're aiming at when you pee.
-Ladies, there is a garbage can in the bathroom. It is there for paper towels. So you can stop using the floor any time now.
-I was raised never to hit a girl. And I never will. However, it is an unfortunate side to my job that sometimes I have to "assist" a girl leaving. Don't yell at me when I do, especially when you're not involved in the situation at all and are just watching events unfold. I already feel weird enough about having to carry her outside while she's kicking, screaming, and biting.
-Yes, it is winter. Which means its cold. No, you can't come back inside and wait for your taxi after you've been kicked out.
-If I say you can't get in, you can't. So if I tell you my manager said not to let you in, don't whine about it and demand to speak with him to find out if that's actually what he said or not. It doesn't matter. I can use any excuse I want to not let you in. I can deny entrance if I don't like the color of your shoes. Argue all you want. It's not gonna work.
-Now, if I don't let you in, and you claim to be friends with my boss, great. Then get out your fancy smart phone, and text him. If he comes and let's you in, great. He over-rules me. But if you say you're his "close friend", yet you don't have his cell phone number, that makes you a liar, huh?
-Girls, if a guy is creeping on you, and you feel really uncomfortable, then move. Quit standing right next to him. Leave that spot. Go to the bathroom, or tell a bouncer. There's no reason you need to feel awkward at the bar. Trust me, we would rather have you there than some creepy guy. If its a problem, he will be kicked out, and you'll get to continue partying.
-Any DJ reading this, please, for the love of God, stop playing Cupid Shuffle.
-Ladies, if you just recently got engaged, don't worry about your fiancee having a bachelor party at a bar. Here's what's gonna happen, he and his buddies are gonna sit at the bar, drink beer, and play some darts. That's about it. People always assume there's strippers at bachelor parties. There's not. And odds are, if there ever is, all the guys end up sitting around in an awkward clump of biomass, while they sheepishly avoid eye contact with the dancer.
-Guys on the other hand, never ask what happens at a bachelorette party. You don't want to know. Usually one assumes that the male gender is more sexual. They're not. 9/10 times, a bachelor party goes exactly as described above. A bachelorette party, though, has girls running around with penises everywhere. Penis shot glasses. Penis stickers. Penis shaped candy, beads, even jewelry. There is so much raw sexuality at a bachelorette party, its scary.
-Congratulations! You're 21! Great. I'm still gonna kick you out on your birthday when you get extra sloppy.
-Don't try and convince me that you're not drunk. It doesn't take 5 years of experience to see you're schwasted.
-Unless you're referring to the purple Gatorade or a wild tiger in the jungle, it is almost never socially acceptable for a heterosexual male to use the word "fierce".
That's about it for this entry. Try to apply at least a few things you've learned next time you go out. It makes my job way easier. Thanks.
