Lessons of the week

-No, a high school student ID won't work to get in. I don't care if you say you're a senior. That means nothing to me.

-I don't remember you. And I probably won't. Unless you do something unique to stand out, I don't have time to try and remember the faces of the 500 people that frequent my establishment.

-No, I don't know if Johnny Johnson is inside. If he told you he was, he probably is. You can't honestly expect me to remember one random person out of the hundreds I've carded that night.

-Going out and celebrating you're pregnant might seem like a good idea. However, don't celebrate with shots. I mean, seriously.

-You need to tuck your shirt in. Oh those guys behind me don't have their shirts in? Well, are you paying thousands of dollars for bottle service too? No? Then yes, your shirt needs to be tucked in.

-No matter how big your ego is, if you want a piece, but you're staring the bouncer straight in the belly button, just let it go.

-Your side of the story doesn't matter to me. Especially when the other side is coming from a waitress. We listen to them all the time. And take their sides over any customer.

-People acting out is annoying. But worse than the people acting out are the ones pretending to be a bouncer. You lack any and all qualifications to do my job. I'm right there. I don't go to Wendy's and try to run the frosty machine for you, so let me handle the drunks, which, at the moment, also includes you.

Mardi Gras belongs in New Orleans.

-I'm not your mom. Neither is anyone else who works at the bar. You know, unless a lady that works there actually gave birth to you...

-Men's restroom etiquette applies to bouncers. Don't stroll up to the urinal next to one of us and strike up a conversation. Actual conversation from this week:

"Hey, do you want me to bring my ID every week?"
"Right now all I want you to do is keep your eyes forward and stop talking."

-And yes, you need your ID every week.

-I don't care that you say its your birthday, no ID, no entry.

-Surprisingly, Facebook is NOT a valid form of ID. Who would have guessed?

-Don't go drinking with your mom on your 21st.

-And mom, if your adult daughter willingly leaves the bar with a guy, there's not really a reason to call the cops.

-It's not always a good idea to lie about the bouncer you supposedly punched out, to the bouncer you supposedly punched out. I remember you, can't you remember me? I mean, you were staring at me from the pavement...

-If a girl has a boyfriend, leave her alone. Especially if her boyfriend is a bouncer who is literally twice your size.

-Guys, it is not ok to flash your chest for beads. Just don't do it.

Bouncers are like the sheriffs of their bars.

-Do you like the song playing? Great! So do about a million other people. It's not your song. You didn't write it, record or produce it, and its not actually about you. So shut up and just enjoy it.

-The most unattractive thing a girl can do is scream "wooooooo".

-Hey! Your friend is here. Get excited! But don't go overboard. I mean, you're meeting at a noisy bar. Odds are you haven't gone too long without seeing each other. And if you haven't, why go to a place where you can't hear each other? There's no reason to scream, yell, jump up and down, or even cry (yes, I saw tears this weekend) when your friend arrives.

-OK, I'm a bouncer. Sometimes its my job to be a little stern. Deal with it. Quit telling me to smile and be nice all the time. Sometimes you just can't be a nice bouncer. And you know what makes me smile? When drunk people stop telling me how to do my job.

-If you're in a bar, and you feel like you want to get rough with a bouncer, don't. People don't understand how much we actually work with the police.

-Speaking of the 5-0, I can kinda understand why you might think throwing down with me is ok, but don't swing at a cop. That's just stupid.

-If you want to be a bouncer, don't brag to me about how well you can fight. I don't care. When it comes to a new bouncer, I care about how well you can not fight.

-Guys, every now and again, its ok to actually try to hit the urinal you're aiming at when you pee.

-Ladies, there is a garbage can in the bathroom. It is there for paper towels. So you can stop using the floor any time now.

-I was raised never to hit a girl. And I never will. However, it is an unfortunate side to my job that sometimes I have to "assist" a girl leaving. Don't yell at me when I do, especially when you're not involved in the situation at all and are just watching events unfold. I already feel weird enough about having to carry her outside while she's kicking, screaming, and biting.

-Yes, it is winter. Which means its cold. No, you can't come back inside and wait for your taxi after you've been kicked out.

-If I say you can't get in, you can't. So if I tell you my manager said not to let you in, don't whine about it and demand to speak with him to find out if that's actually what he said or not. It doesn't matter. I can use any excuse I want to not let you in. I can deny entrance if I don't like the color of your shoes. Argue all you want. It's not gonna work.

-Now, if I don't let you in, and you claim to be friends with my boss, great. Then get out your fancy smart phone, and text him. If he comes and let's you in, great. He over-rules me. But if you say you're his "close friend", yet you don't have his cell phone number, that makes you a liar, huh?

-Girls, if a guy is creeping on you, and you feel really uncomfortable, then move. Quit standing right next to him. Leave that spot. Go to the bathroom, or tell a bouncer. There's no reason you need to feel awkward at the bar. Trust me, we would rather have you there than some creepy guy. If its a problem, he will be kicked out, and you'll get to continue partying.

-Any DJ reading this, please, for the love of God, stop playing Cupid Shuffle.

-Ladies, if you just recently got engaged, don't worry about your fiancee having a bachelor party at a bar. Here's what's gonna happen, he and his buddies are gonna sit at the bar, drink beer, and play some darts. That's about it. People always assume there's strippers at bachelor parties. There's not. And odds are, if there ever is, all the guys end up sitting around in an awkward clump of biomass, while they sheepishly avoid eye contact with the dancer.

-Guys on the other hand, never ask what happens at a bachelorette party. You don't want to know. Usually one assumes that the male gender is more sexual. They're not. 9/10 times, a bachelor party goes exactly as described above. A bachelorette party, though, has girls running around with penises everywhere. Penis shot glasses. Penis stickers. Penis shaped candy, beads, even jewelry. There is so much raw sexuality at a bachelorette party, its scary.

-Congratulations! You're 21! Great. I'm still gonna kick you out on your birthday when you get extra sloppy.

-Don't try and convince me that you're not drunk. It doesn't take 5 years of experience to see you're schwasted.

-Unless you're referring to the purple Gatorade or a wild tiger in the jungle, it is almost never socially acceptable for a heterosexual male to use the word "fierce".

That's about it for this entry. Try to apply at least a few things you've learned next time you go out. It makes my job way easier. Thanks.

S-A-D-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

-You're all idiots when you drink. And some of you even when you're sober.

-If you lose your coat check card, that sucks. Cause you're not getting your coat back till tomorrow.

-Yes. It's cold. But I don't care. If you get kicked out, you can't come back inside and warm up.

-You can think I'm mean and too strict, but that's my job.

-If you're a lady, and you find a bouncer attractive, feel free to talk to him. But don't wait till 2:10 to start.

-What do you really think you're going to accomplish by trying to argue with me? My mind's made up. Nothing you say will change it.

-In case you couldn't tell by looking at me, I'm white. Actually, I'm a white guy with blonde hair and green eyes. You can't get much more recessive than that. Quit calling me the N word when you're angry at me.

-Unless you actually get paid, you don't work at the bar. Getting a free drink for putting fliers out on a car doesn't mean you get to say you work there. We appreciate the help, but find it annoying when you try to put yourselves on our level.

-1 person on the mechanical bull at a time.

This week the trend...

-If its college night, you still need your driver's license to get into a bar. Don't show up with only your school ID thinking that's all you'll need. The simple act of being in college doesn't mean you can drink. I realize that often times that's what happens, but stick to the dorm rooms like every other freshmen in the country.

-Why yes, I can tell that you reek of weed. And I will stare you down and make you paranoid about it because, A, that's funny. And B, you're an idiot.

-I really don't care about your side of the story. There was a fight. I'm kicking you out. If you really want to freak out and complain, complain to the cops. They'll be there shortly. And no, you can't come back in.

-The biggest reason I don't want people fighting in my bar? It's not because I don't want to get involved. Not because I'm scared. Not even because I want it to be a safe environment for everyone else. I hate doing paperwork. You wanna fight, sweet. Go across the street where it doesn't matter to me. If you start stuff on the bar property, I have to file a police report. And I don't like doing that.

-Are you upset about a decision I made? Yeah, there is someone you can talk to that you can complain to. Me. And I'm fairly 100% certain that there's nothing you can say that will change my mind. If you don't have good ID, or meet dress code, or any other reason I choose to not let you in, you're not getting in. Complaining to my manager won't help you. There's a reason he's put me at the door. He trusts my judgement. Plus, he's gonna back me up and tell you its my call.

-Bringing me chicken nuggets from McDonald's is a great way to get on my good side. But don't assume you'll get my number if you do. Especially if you're a dude.

-The right thing to do when you get your fake ID taken away is to politely ask for it back, I'll say no, but you may ask anyway. Then thank me for not calling the cops. If you argue or cause a scene, it'll just end up badly for you. Also, offering to buy it back from me is always the wrong answer.

-Buying a shot girl a rose is nice. But you have a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than getting her number in exchange for a wilting flower you got from a vendor.

-If I've gotta get somewhere fast and I kinda push you out of the way a little, don't shove me back. That's just dumb. I'm not gonna blast you out of the way, just move you enough for me to get by. You shove me and my attention goes right to you. You don't want that.

-Don't swing at another bouncer when I'm 2 feet away. I'll get to you before you get to him.

You think you got the right stuff?

I get a lot of guys who come up and ask me what it takes to be a bouncer. Well, let me tell you...

When I first started working as a bouncer, it was explained to me as this: "You basically can't be a deadbeat, and at least look like you can handle yourself."

That's about it.

Good work ethic, and at least the appearance of being tough. There's a high turn around for bouncers though. Mainly because guys think its gonna be cool, and I can't lie, it is. It's a really fun job. However, guys start thinking its all gonna be looking cool and picking up chicks (and that is a part of it), but then they discover its actually a real job and you've gotta actually do work. 90% of all bouncers are basically glorified janitors. You stand in the corner, watch the crowd, and pick up any used, empty cups people leave around, and you also get the glamorous job of moping up any spills and or various bodily fluids that might protrude from intoxicated patrons. I'm talking about vomit here folks. Doesn't happen a lot, but it does happen. If a fight breaks out literally right in front of you, you can step in. But otherwise, you just keep things tidy. Also, at the end of the night, you get to help clean the bar! Neat, huh? This usually entails garbage duty. That's right, you carry out all the trash cans, dump them in the dumpster and try your best not to get all the excess alcohol in the bottom of each can all over your shoes. At a lot of places, you'll be responsible to carry kegs for the bartenders. Especially if the bartenders are chicks, or pretentious dudes who are worried about their hair all the time. So, about 98% of all bars will put you on keg duty. You also get to sweep, and many times mop, the floors. As well as move tables, chairs, and beer tubs. Then you get to clean all those things too. Bar closes at 2, everyone has to be out by 215. You usually don't leave till at least 3. Depending on how fast you clean. Oh, did I mention you also take care of the bathrooms? Cause you do. And while the female gender is a beautiful, graceful, and all around sexy, sexy gender, girls are disgusting. Especially when they know they don't have to clean the bathroom they're using. It's like all bets are off. And when you add alcohol to the mix? Let me tell you, its not pretty. I've seen things. Horrible things that would make your skin crawl. I've been going to school for biology for years now, I was even premed for a while, so the human body, and the stuff that comes out of it, usually doesn't bother me, but there have been some things, things that I wish I could unsee that I never can...

Not trying to deter anyone from becoming a bouncer. Just trying to be up front and clear about the responsiblities that you'll have to take care of. The guys you see out front checking IDs, or the guys you see floating around inside, who actually take care of kicking people out, have usually put in a lot of time before they do those things. Because, managers know that there's a high turn around, and want their guys to prove they're good workers before giving them extra responsiblity and liability. I used to work at one of the biggest clubs in downtown Minneapolis, and my security manager there told me the average time a guy works for him is about 3 weeks before quitting. So he makes his new guys work for about 6 months before they get to start doing the really cool stuff. That's not the case for every bar, but most do start you out at the bottom and you've gotta work your way up by proving yourself.

You might never get to be the guy at the door. Though, the best way to get to do that job is to be big. Not all bouncers are large dudes. Most are fairly average. But usually, the guys at the door are bigger. Managers do this mainly because if someone is outside, looking at the bar, and they see a huge guy at the door, they're gonna assume there's big guys inside too and that its a safer place to go. It's all marketing really. Now, this isn't an absolute, I had a guy at one place working for me who checked IDs at the door who was 5'8" and a good 150lbs. So, if you're not huge, don't assume you can't do it. The biggest thing about working the door is not your size, but competence. It's the hardest job at a bar. Because you are the main line of defense against underage drinking. And in a lot of places, the only line. Bartenders are too busy to check everyone's ID before they serve them. They assume that you've checked them, and that's why they're inside. So they don't worry about it. They rely on you. It's a huge responsiblity. And a lot of liability. IDK about everywhere else in the country, but in Minneapolis, if the police send a complience check to your bar, aka a minor with a fake ID, and you miss it, you get a $600 fine, and can be arrested. Also, the bar has to redo its training for ID checking and if it happens multiple times, can lose their liquor license. So, there's a good chance you'll also lose your job because you've shown that you're not capable of doing your job. So, its a big deal to work the door.

Sometimes, things do get rough. So you've gotta be prepared for that. Also, one of the biggest things you need, personality wise, is patience and a slow temper. You're going to have guys, and girls, push you. You gotta be able to keep your cool. You will also be called every horrible name you can imagine. You need thick skin to ignore it. You can't be getting into fights over being insulted, or even physically provoked. A guy who can't control his temper in a bar is a liability and needs to be gotten rid of. Yes, there are times when you need to take care of business. And quite honestly, when you do, it can be fun. Adrenaline gets going and you look awesome for the crowd watching you. Unless you just get destroyed. Then you look like a punk. But you need to remember, there's a crowd watching you. Which means there's witnesses. And most of them have cell phones with cameras. Not to mention bar security cameras. The cops are gonna show up, and you'll need to make a police report and give an account for your actions. So, you need to be able to handle yourself and control a situation, without going overboard. You can only use as much force as necessary to stop things from happening. After that, you're becoming the aggressor and that means you can get in a lot of trouble yourself.

So, keep those things in mind. I do encourage anyone thinking about becoming a bouncer to try it. It really is fun. You get prestige, attention, and you're basically getting paid to party and be at the bar. Just know that most places won't let you drink while on the clock. And yeah girls will dance up on you, but you can't let yourself get too distracted. Also, if you have a girlfriend, prepare to have to cater to her insecurities a little more because of your job. Other than that, its fun. I love doing it. Sure I don't wanna be doing it when I'm 38, but I'm 25 right now, and its a blast.

Free Advice

-If a bouncer asks you for ID, give it to him.

-Unless you've also been working as a bouncer, checking IDs for 5 years like I have, don't tell me how to do my job and don't tell me I don't know the laws about checking ID.

-Yes, I have handcuffs. And no, you may not borrow them.

-Every once in a while its ok to not be a complete idiot when you go out.

-A bouncer is allowed to legally retain your ID for 12 hours. If you lose it, and want it back, find a cop and ask them to get it for you. I'll be more than happy to give a cop any ID I take.

-If you get kicked out, don't come back in. No matter how cold it is. That's a consequence of your own actions.

-If you're a bouncer yourself and you're reading this, these 3 words will help you immensely at work: "not my problem." People generally tend to get the hint.

-Yes, I can be a jerk. And I'm ok with it.

-A general warning to everyone, I don't care if you're standing up for your friend, or just trying to talk me down from a stressful situation. Unless you're an incredibly attractive female, do not touch me. Odds are, it won't end well for you.

-I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Just because you know my bosses name does not make you important. If you were, I would know your name.

-Speaking of bosses, unless you're like a blood relative of the owner, he's gonna back my play. And that's not just for me at my bar. That goes for pretty much every bar. Any good boss will back up his (or her, don't worry ladies, I'm down with equality) doorman.

-Ladies, just so you know, a drunk chick might get more attention, but a sober one is infinitely more attractive.

-Stop trying to look gangsta. The ghetto look is stupid. I don't care if you're from Harlem. If you dress like a thug, you're an idiot.

-Yeah, the girls serving shots and working the beer tubs are pretty. But that does not mean you get to grab at them.

-If you're 65 and hammered, I'm not letting you in.

-It's ok to give a bouncer free money. Really, I won't complain. But don't think you can bribe me. You can't pay me enough to justify risking losing my job and getting arrested.

-There's cameras. If you do something stupid, not only will you get busted, there will be evidence.

-If you're always going out and are constantly pulling your ID out, its not a bad idea to put a little tab of scotch tape on it so you can pull it out faster. This works especially well for ladies.

-Have your ID ready to go. Don't stand in line for 5 minutes waiting to get to the door, then spend 5 more minutes digging around in your purse complaining about the temperature.

-Best way to get on any bouncer's good side, offer them some gum.

-Nobody likes a guy who cries at a bar.

-Don't fart near me. It's just rude. I can't leave the door, so I've gotta stand through it.

-Being even remotely polite will get you a lot further than you realize.

-Final thoughts for the night, dress up to go out. Don't come looking like a bum. Sweatpants are never a good choice. Yoga pants, absolutely, sweats, not so much. At least not at a club.