Free Advice

-If a bouncer asks you for ID, give it to him.

-Unless you've also been working as a bouncer, checking IDs for 5 years like I have, don't tell me how to do my job and don't tell me I don't know the laws about checking ID.

-Yes, I have handcuffs. And no, you may not borrow them.

-Every once in a while its ok to not be a complete idiot when you go out.

-A bouncer is allowed to legally retain your ID for 12 hours. If you lose it, and want it back, find a cop and ask them to get it for you. I'll be more than happy to give a cop any ID I take.

-If you get kicked out, don't come back in. No matter how cold it is. That's a consequence of your own actions.

-If you're a bouncer yourself and you're reading this, these 3 words will help you immensely at work: "not my problem." People generally tend to get the hint.

-Yes, I can be a jerk. And I'm ok with it.

-A general warning to everyone, I don't care if you're standing up for your friend, or just trying to talk me down from a stressful situation. Unless you're an incredibly attractive female, do not touch me. Odds are, it won't end well for you.

-I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Just because you know my bosses name does not make you important. If you were, I would know your name.

-Speaking of bosses, unless you're like a blood relative of the owner, he's gonna back my play. And that's not just for me at my bar. That goes for pretty much every bar. Any good boss will back up his (or her, don't worry ladies, I'm down with equality) doorman.

-Ladies, just so you know, a drunk chick might get more attention, but a sober one is infinitely more attractive.

-Stop trying to look gangsta. The ghetto look is stupid. I don't care if you're from Harlem. If you dress like a thug, you're an idiot.

-Yeah, the girls serving shots and working the beer tubs are pretty. But that does not mean you get to grab at them.

-If you're 65 and hammered, I'm not letting you in.

-It's ok to give a bouncer free money. Really, I won't complain. But don't think you can bribe me. You can't pay me enough to justify risking losing my job and getting arrested.

-There's cameras. If you do something stupid, not only will you get busted, there will be evidence.

-If you're always going out and are constantly pulling your ID out, its not a bad idea to put a little tab of scotch tape on it so you can pull it out faster. This works especially well for ladies.

-Have your ID ready to go. Don't stand in line for 5 minutes waiting to get to the door, then spend 5 more minutes digging around in your purse complaining about the temperature.

-Best way to get on any bouncer's good side, offer them some gum.

-Nobody likes a guy who cries at a bar.

-Don't fart near me. It's just rude. I can't leave the door, so I've gotta stand through it.

-Being even remotely polite will get you a lot further than you realize.

-Final thoughts for the night, dress up to go out. Don't come looking like a bum. Sweatpants are never a good choice. Yoga pants, absolutely, sweats, not so much. At least not at a club.